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Post by sebii on May 21, 2014 0:05:36 GMT
Hello everybody  Soooo... As you might be able to read from the way i write here you know that i am not a native speaker ... But i need to make a few english lyrics for an new CD project and i was thinking/hoping  that you guys might be able to help me out ... this would be very great! This will be maybe hard because i need to explain you in english what i cant say in english but lets try So my first "problem sentence" is the following ... i need a sentence to say that after a woman was going by i starred at her as she goes away from me at her butt ... i know that it is wrong but my first try for this sentence was " When i saw/looked after you" ... i know now that this means a kind of "taking care for you" like " i looked after the child" but how can i say this  ? problem is, it should end on "you" because of the rhyme .... Can i say " When i gazed after you" ? next problem. i want to say that it is not the good for an stranger to act like he does in his "horney, lustily" mood Can you understand (and does it sound right???) when i write : "I´s maybe not the right behavior for an stranger "dude" to act like this in his lustily mood. " Next problem: can i say: "I had to work out a plan to make her certainly my fan" the core is : "i had to work out a plan to make her my fan" The question is if the "certainly" is possible there ? I simply need a word there to sing it right to the rhythm ... That´s it so far .... I know a lot to read ... but maybe you can help me ... it would be absolutely great !!! Thank you a lot !!! Best Regards |
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Post by Michael Messer on May 21, 2014 6:31:36 GMT
Hello Sebil,
I don't understand why you want to write songs in a language that you are not fluent in, or how you expect that to work?
Maybe some forum members will help you, but what you are asking is for someone to help you write songs (a co-writer), and to do that, any professional musician/songwriter would require a percentage of your publishing.
I wish you luck with your CD project,
Shine On
Michael
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Post by sebii on May 21, 2014 7:54:53 GMT
Hello Michael, I dont see any problem in this … beside that it is very common all over the world to write in english, i don´t see why not …especially in music … in fact we have here some english guys too who sings in german and of course not everything is right. But charming . And someone who has to "tell" something can do this even if he has not always the right words … Anyway, I ask because i want it to be (at least) mostly right. i dont think about it this way because i helped a lot people in songwriting ( and know many who do this) just to help … But of course i have no problem if somebody want to see this as a professional work. I cant offer this … I just ask for any native english to help me with three sentences. Oh and if anyone ever need help with german in anykind …. easy for me i will love to do all over i am just asking. if nobody can or want to help it is no problem …. i dont expect this from anybody … We will go in studio in june Best regards Sebastian |
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Post by Michael Messer on May 21, 2014 8:56:56 GMT
 Shine On Michael
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Post by bod on May 21, 2014 10:32:35 GMT
Hi Sebii,
You can. In fact 'gazed' might be a good choice - not only does it avoid the additional meaning of childcare ('looking after'), it also can have additional meanings of its own, including references to sex, power and bodies (feminists and others have written about 'the male gaze,' specifically to talk about the ways men tend to look at women...)
I can't be a lot of help with this one, I think it needs work but I don't know what to suggest... However, there are a couple of issues with the construction, without these it reads:
'It's maybe not the right behaviour for a stranger dude to act like this in his lusty mood'
Again, not a lot to offer on this, but '... to make certain she's my fan' would be more like usual English usage and still have roughly the same rhythm...
Good luck!
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Post by sebii on May 21, 2014 10:59:22 GMT
Hey bod Great !!! thank you a lot !!! In fact my biggest "headache" i had with the "gaze" thing …. i just didn´t know if someone can understand the sentence …. For this one : It's maybe not the right behaviour for a stranger dude to act like this in his lusty mood' if you leave out the last part like : It's maybe not the right behaviour for a stranger dude to act like this. Does it make more sense or is it plain stupid sounding The last sentence is great !!! i think i can do it this way very nicely !!! But may i ask something just to learn? if i leave out the "certainly". Is the sentence right like : "I had to work out a plan to make her my fan" or " I had to work out a plan and make her my fan" Thank you soooo much … Hugh help !! very best regards Sebastian |
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Post by washboardchris on May 21, 2014 12:48:30 GMT
Hi,get a copy of Roget's Thesaurus and a rhyming dictionary
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Post by sebii on May 21, 2014 13:38:54 GMT
Hey Washboardchris … Thank you !!! i didn´t know about roget´s thesaurus Helpfull … i use an online Rhyming dictionary which is a big help … My problem is just that i am not able to tell if a sentence sound right or wrong or if it is wrong it maybe is in a funny or creative way wrong …. because i dont have the feel of an native speaker for english … Thank you for your adivce !! |
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Post by micknand on May 21, 2014 14:19:11 GMT
How about " I had to work out a plan to "try" and make her my fan" ?
Are we all avoiding the "staring at her butt" bit on purpose then?
Mick
fluent in Yorkshire but willing to give English a go!
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Post by bod on May 21, 2014 22:10:44 GMT
Hey bod Great !!! thank you a lot !!! In fact my biggest "headache" i had with the "gaze" thing …. i just didn´t know if someone can understand the sentence …. For this one : It's maybe not the right behaviour for a stranger dude to act like this in his lusty mood' if you leave out the last part like : It's maybe not the right behaviour for a stranger dude to act like this. Does it make more sense or is it plain stupid sounding The last sentence is great !!! i think i can do it this way very nicely !!! But may i ask something just to learn? if i leave out the "certainly". Is the sentence right like : "I had to work out a plan to make her my fan" or " I had to work out a plan and make her my fan" Thank you soooo much … Hugh help !! very best regards Sebastian Hi Sebii, A short answer is that each of the variations you give here can be used to express / convey the kinds of meanings you are after. I don't think you need to try to pick between them in terms of meaningfulness or stupidity. 'Right' can a bit of a slippery thing with regard to language; also 'correctness' could become a distraction - a lot of good singing (and speaking) defy textbook rules... Obviously, none of this will help you to decide between them, but the music might.... All the best |
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Post by Quarterquay on May 27, 2014 10:58:39 GMT
Hi Sebii, I think part of the difficulty for me at least is that you've given us lines you're working on but we can't hear the music you're going to play and sing it to. For me at least writing a song goes hand in hand with playing the music along side and working out the phrasing as I go. Other people do it differently, write the tune then the lyrics and of course the other way round not to mention in conjunction with someone else as composer of the music or the lyrics and so. I'm stating the obvious I know,but just to make the point about us not being able to hear music. The music affects the phrasing and the mood and the mood effects the words. You could take three words that all mean pretty much the same thing but one might have three syllables,another two syllables and yet another one syllable.Same in any language. Michael has a fair point, you have to ask yourself at what point do the lyrics become someone else's or a joint effort. It's interesting to ponder where the line falls between a little help getting the phrasing right and someone being a co-writer. Also I think Bod hit's the nail on the head with this-
A short answer is that each of the variations you give here can be used to express / convey the kinds of meanings you are after. I don't think you need to try to pick between them in terms of meaningfulness or stupidity. 'Right' can a bit of a slippery thing with regard to language; also 'correctness' could become a distraction - a lot of good singing (and speaking) defy textbook rules... Obviously, none of this will help you to decide between them, but the music might....More often than not I find less is more in a lyric. Keeping it simple in construction and phrasing can often lead to a lyric carrying better,and especially if you're not fluent in the second language you're trying to write a song in. Try to avoid what I call stumbling words. If you sing and play the song and a you keep stumbling over a word in a line the chances are you need to find a better word or a different way of phrasing it that says the same thing. And of course the problem with that is that if you change one word or line in a verse the whole lot can fall over like dominoes!  To be honest I find it hard enough trying to write songs in English as my first language so good luck with your project! Consider this - This is one verse I wrote from a tune I was playing with. It's more tune than song and I wanted odd fun little phrases to throw in here and there. It's made up of two well known expressions in English and a couple of other lines to follow on. Don't count your chickens before they've hatched. Get all your ducks in a row. Take your hat from the nail by the door And close it when you go. It was basically about a woman saying to a man, don't make any assumptions about me, now clear off out of my house! Now with the tune I play it to it scans and plays very well but it's not grammatically correct. It looks like it makes sense and it's fine,it works. But it's not 'correct' English. You have to know the rules to break the rules though! |
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 12:11:28 GMT
I think as long as you check your translation doesn't have any unwanted double meaning, the lyrics would sound good done in a slightly clumsy way. Can anyone really understand everything that Elvis or Bob Dylan sang anyway? They sound effective though (aside from Elvis's "hes the cutest jailbird I ever did see" thing. What was he trying to say?).
I have no problem with the 'butt' issue. I have looked at ladies butts a couple of times myself.
TT
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Post by Quarterquay on May 27, 2014 14:34:37 GMT
Can anyone really understand everything that Elvis sang anyway? Uh huh! And here's Bob making Elvis sound like he passed with first class honours at Elocution University. But it's what makes Bob Bob after all... |
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Post by slidefever on May 28, 2014 10:34:15 GMT
'A stranger's behaviour might be misunderstood when he stares at her in a lusty mood'
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Post by sebii on Jun 17, 2014 10:38:52 GMT
Hello So first a big sorry for not answering so long to all the helpful posts here !!!! Thank you a lot !!!! we had a whole lot of work around here and (like we say in german) came to nothing …. … after i researched pretty hard about this "language in songs" thing and also looked at songs in my language i noticed more and more that many many famous people give a damn on it and just do what sounds good … In fact i found an very interesting point about the english language which is (when you look at grama and so on) much simpler than many other languages. It was written that the reason for this is that england was a hugh colonial country and the language was made simpler and simpler so that the different parts of the world could learn it fast. But because of this, english people seem to be much more forgiving with their language than many other countrys. There are so many different "englishes" out there. For example if you here Caribian music. Or some Hillbilly stuff from "the mountains" . i was speaking and showing my lyrics (complete) to a Irish woman, a Indian (nativspeaker) friend and one american friend (after all they had a bit time) and the funny thing is that everyone was telling me something different. The one said "this" is wrong but the other told me it is right but the "other" part is wrong which was right if i believe the other guy i hope you understand what i mean. then i heard something similar to what Bod told me: Dont think to much about it … tell the things the way you want … .make the people feel what you want , check the right words and go on. very interesting !!!! But in fact. Here in germany we have famous singers with english or french accents. They didnt do everything right … but it was charming …. so maybe i should think about doing it as good as i can and accept that i am talking english with my accent … …. Thank you all very much !!!!! Big help !!! All the best to you Sebii |
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that you guys might be able to help me out ... 
? problem is, it should end on "you" because of the rhyme .... 
